Friday, March 25, 2005

You Can't Hurry Love...

It's funny how life works. Actually it's more fucked up than funny, but occasionally it's both. It's just weird how we go through life thinking we have all the answers, when we don't have any of them. Everytime you go through something new, you learn a little bit more, but that doesn't mean you actually really take anything away from the experiance. It's all about what you do the second time around, wether or not you actually apply that knowledge to anything useful. I just got out of a pretty long relationship and I've learned a lot from it. One thing in particular I felt like sharing was the ever burning question of what makes someone fall in love? I still don't know. But what I do know is that it's something that can't be rushed, it can't be forced and it can't be faked. It's just something that happens...naturally or not at all. In a way I feel guilty because I know that my constant worry about him not loving me was probably one of the things that pushed him away in the first place. It's not easy, I know it's not. Saying I love you and getting an "ok" in response or sometimes nothing at all, or my all time favorite " thank you". Should I say your welcomed? No clue. You can't force someone to love you, and as hard as it is for you to feel something that's not mutual, it's also hard for the other person. You feel pressured, you feel really bad because you want to feel a certain way, but you can't. Sometimes the tables have to turn in order for you to see things from another person's perspective. I'm going through something in my life right now that I've never experianced before. I'm scared and confused, and of course I'm going to miss him still, I spent the past year and a half of my life with him. It's not that easy to just say fuck it, and move on. I wish it was but it's not, It's only been a few weeks for fucks sake. There were a lot of other things that made me leave my boyfriend, things that neither of us could control. But if him not loving me was the only thing wrong, I would've stayed because that's not his fault. Love is complicated, I'm just now figuring that out.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

My Stint as a Nerd...

So yeah I've started my new job at Barnes & Nobles thus ensuring my complete transition into being a geek. Seriously though it's pretty cool so far, everyone seems nice but then again
everyone is when you first meet them ( for the most part). It'll take a few weeks before I start seeing anyone's true colors. One person I'm fairly sure I know though is Mr.Annonymous who as you may have guessed ( or maybe not) works at Barnes & Nobles as well. I think it's going to be funny to see how we act around eachother...to see how well we can act. It won't be much of a stretch for him considering he flirts with pretty much everyone. We shall see what happens...but I can forsee a lot of stolen kisses and cheap feels lol. Aside from my new exciting "career" I'm pretty much just hanging out and trying not to go nuts. I tried to break up with Dwayne, and once again, he wouldn't let me. According to him this is " not over". Intresting. I'm beginning to think I might be a nymphomaniac, this could be a serious problem if I don't somehow find someone willing to have sex with me at least once or twice a day. I'll keep you updated on that.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Too many boys...or none at all

Do you ever notice that there's either a lot of boys in your life...or none at all? My life hasn't been the latter for a long ass time...and it still isn't. Ever since I graduated from high school there seems to be a never ending flow of idiots/jerks and romeos coming in and out of my life. I guess it's fate or God or whoever's way of repaying me for what seemed like the never ending drought that was high school. It's not like I'm fighting guys off with a stick, trust me, I'm not. It's just right now, I have to make a really important ( or probably not that important) decision. Do I get back together with Dwayne or do I follow my heart? It's not that I don't love him...I do and that's why it's so hard. The problem is that I'm afraid of making the wrong choice, I'm afraid of regretting my decision and feeling like an idiot. And the even bigger problem is, that everything I've ever wanted in a guy, I found in someone else...perfect timing. When I'm with him, I feel free, happy like I can be myself. I feel wanted, which is something I haven't truly felt in a while. I just don't want to hurt anybody, but for once in my life I'm trying to think about myself first. What do I want? That's simple enough...I want to be in love. Ass backwards, head over heels in love. But more importantly...I want whoever I'm with to be in love with me the same way. And with Dwayne, it seems like that's never going to happen. Should I wait around? How much longer? Another year and a half? I don't think so. By that time I would've completely lost all hope of him feeling anything more for me. The answer to my dilema seems so simple, so clear. So why is it so hard to just let him go?

Friday, March 04, 2005

Dream On...

I had this dream last night. It was one of the hottest nights of the summer, and I was with you. You had some random t-shirt on, some jeans & and I had a white summer dress...of course. We drove around, talking about everything that had happened so far, wondering what was going to happen next. As we pulled up to your house it started to pour. " Let's run."you said, and we did. We ran into your house, completely soaked & laughing the whole way. As the laughter faded we looked at eachother.My hair was a mess, so was yours...but then it always is. You inched towards me and I froze. You put your hand on my face, & I held my breath. " It'll be like the other times" I thought, " It's not gonna happen" my mind was racing...and then you kissed me.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Temporary Insanity...

I think I was drunk last night...I must've been. It feels like I was, but maybe I was drunk off something other than alcohol. All I know is I feel completely different now. Last night I wanted something, but now I'm kind of indifferent about it. Lol that'll probably change the second I see him...it will. Anyway, I'm beginning to bore myself with all this boy crap so I've decided to stop being so impatient about things...whatever things are. It's like when you're drunk at a party and you know you're making a fool of yourself yet you don't stop. It's the morning after the party, and I'm tired of acting like an idiot. Today I have absolutly nothing to do, and it feels kind of good. My dad woke me up yelling as usual, and my mom wanted me to get her another book at Barnes. Nooooo. I do not want to go in there today, thankfully I called and they don't have it, I would've screamed. Oh and Mr. Anonymous who keeps leaving me comments, I know who you are...it's cute.

*******
I go to see you
Do you know it's me?
Can you see your reflection?
The way I can see?
You're so intriguingYou make me feel weak
I'd cross a thousand broken bridges
Just to hear you speak
Somehow you see right through me
You won't let me pretend
All I want to do is run away
I'm scared of how this will end
But something keeps on calling me
Maybe it's your voice
It's funny but the more I fight it
The more I know I have no choice...

It's in his kiss...

I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it possible to really like someone after only a short while? Can I say I really know how I feel, when I don't completly know him? I don't know...I want to find out though. It may sound dumb, or it may not, but to me kissing someone tells me a lot about our chemistry together, about wether or not we click persay. I just want to get it over with, to see what it's like, to see if there's anything there. I feel like the longer I'm around him, the more I like him and I'm just setting myself up to get my feelings hurt again. I'm over getting hurt. Maybe it's not just a little crush, maybe it could be more, maybe not. I don't know which way is up anymore and this situation is not helping. I've told myself to just stay away from him, not to think about it, not to talk to him...but I can't. I don't want to. I just wish I could not feel anything. Once again I'm here thinking about a boy who probably could care less about me. I don't even know...this is more of a rant than an actual post but I had no one else to talk to at 12 o clock at night so here I am. I have to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve but it seems almost impossible. I give up...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Looking for love (in all the wrong places)

I have a friend who always seems to find the most intresting companions. We'll call her Lucy. So anyway Lucy has been a good friend of mine for some time now, and for as long as I can remember she's had boy issues. I mean, we all have issues with men, but Lucy's guys always seem to go above and beyond the call of duty. When we were in college together for instance she was obsessed with a certain guy who we liked to refer to as hairy monster. No matter how many times he didn't call, or how many times we all told her he just wasn't that into her, she made excuses and put up with his bullshit. Needless to say it ended badly, but everyone has their moments...you live, learn and move on, right? Well anyway, about a month or so ago Lucy started telling me about this new guy...I forget his name otherwise I'd use the real one, but let's just call him Mike. The problem with Mike was that he was too busy to call Lucy, so she only heard from him on weekends...and even then it was to go drink. No date, no courting, no nothing. Just plain old drunken..."love". Now Lucy couldn't figure out why she felt so bad about the whole thing. " I mean if he would just take me on a real date" she'd say, or " I don't want a relationship but is it to much to ask to get a phone call?" she'd ask. He sounded like your run of the mill asshole to me, but Lucy put up with him for just a little longer, to give it time I suppose. One night after doing some more of what it seemed they did best, Lucy brought up the issue of using protection. Up until this point, Mike didn't like using condoms and Lucy being the saint ( or maybe the devil depending on how you look at it) that she is, let him have his way. She told me she felt as though they were in 7th grade, both staring at the wall when they should've been looking at eachother. " I finally said it" she told me. She told him she thought it was stupid for them not to be able to talk about using protection, and that they shouldn't be embarrassed about it. " I had one right here." said Mr.Wonderful, " I know but you didn't use it." said Lucy. And then, I think Mike might have uttered the funniest and at the same time dumbest thing I think I've ever heard a guy say. " I know this is going to sound stupid..." stop right there, if you know it's stupid don't say it..." but it's like when you have pasta, and you can have Ragu but all you really want is some fresh marinara sauce." Wow. He just compared her to pasta, he compared having sex with a condom to Ragu...does anyone else think this is a little weird? When she told me I couldn't believe it, I've been compared to a lot of things but never pasta. I told Lucy that she should definitly move on, this guy was not only not charming but a complete idiot. She then told me she had figured out why she felt so bad about the whole thing, she felt he was using her, and she knew she was using him to. It was an all together fucked up, disfunctional situation, that no girl ( that I know) would like to be in. I hope one day Lucy finds a guy who calls her all the time not just for a booty call, and who treats her right, and takes her out and compares her to flowers or the stars or anything...just not pasta.