Thursday, February 17, 2005

Please Don't Bring me Flowers...

Ok, so I'm going through this weird phase where I feel the need to change certain things about my life. Mainly my weight ( see my last post for more information). But the thing is, I'm so superficial that how I look completely effects pretty much every other aspect of my life. For example, the other night was my friend's 21st birthday and of course that could only mean one thing; making a drunken fool of myself in the middle of New York. I got pretty hammered, but for all the wrong reasons ( i.e. getting the little voices to shut the fuck up) . My brilliant plan backfired however, when I realized being drunk only made me feel worst about myself...too late. I felt jealous and insecure the whole night, Dwayne ( my sort of bf now cause we're on a break, I'll explain later) had to put up with my shit all night. I decided after that to a) not drink like a lush anymore and b) do something about my stupid insecurities, which in my mind also meant taking a break from the afore mentioned boyfriend. We've been together for a year and a half already and I'm really happy with him but just not with myself. And I keep taking it out on him which I know is unfair. So I told him that for now I needed to be alone and just figure this reatrded thing out. I saw him the other day & it was hard just being around him. It's almost like I wish he wasn't so nice cause then it'd be easier not to miss him. Ha, that's a change actually wanting a guy to be an asshole for once. For Valentine's Day I didn't even want flowers or anything, I mean I did, but I don't think I would've been able to get them and not cry or kiss him, whichever. I just hope he's still there when I'm all skinny and hot...he will be...right? He said he'd wait for me but boys speak a different language than I do so I don't know what that really means. I guess...I know time will tell. It always does.