Saturday, February 19, 2005

Baby Just Ask Me...

What should I wear? The question that has been plaguing me ever since I had "the vision". What is the vision you ask? Well I don't know if other girls have this or if I'm just psychotic, but before a special event or night I have a sort of vision of myself, of what I would wear that night. Now this might just seem like something weird to do, but not only is it weird but it's very annoying. It's annoying because now that I've had this vision, I'm determined to find the dress I'm wearing in it, and in all likelyhood it doesn't really exist. If anyone knows where I can find a knee length white fluffy dress, let me know . It's intresting that people think they know me so well after two posts. Personally I would've waited until at least the 4th or 5th to start calling anyone " depressed" or saying they're going in a " downward spiral", but that's just me. How I see myself is not just about my weight, and no I don't think that just losing weight will fix everything. I'm not 12. I guess it's my fault for not explaining myself more thoroughly. You see, a lot of my insecurities also stem from me not finishing what I start. A long long time ago ( 2 years this April to be exact) I sang at a talent showcase in the city. Needless to say it didn't go so well. It was awful, and I lost it. After that I was too afraid to sing in front of anyone, and all my auditions, my songwriting, everything stopped. A lot of my confidence came from singing. From the thrill I got off being on stage, and from how good it felt to finish a song I thought was pretty fucking good. I know I shouldn't have let one time discourage me, but I did, sue me. I'm getting over it now, but I still haven't sung in public, and I think that's one of the main things I need to do to regain my self confidence. And as for this whole crap about being happy with yourself and blah blah blah, listen , I don't care who in the fuck you are if you feel like you're not good looking you're not gonna feel good, period. You can pretend all you want, but everyone has issues...everyone has things about themselves they don't like, and I'm just trying to fix those things before I'm 45 and too busy for my own good. As far as me complaining too much that's really hilarious. The whole reason I started this blog was because I don't like talking about myself to my friends and family, in fact up until about a week ago, no one even knew I felt like this. I was pretending like everything was just peachy, and I finally decided I'd had enough and I had to do something about it. I started this blog to have a place to let all my crazy thoughts and emotions out without feeling like I'm annoying anyone, becuse in case you haven't noticed, you don't have to read it. Phew. Well now that I've gotten that off my chest I'm off to search for that imaginary white dress...wish me luck.